MIKE DAMONE: I’ll give you four tickets in the fifth row… for the low price of $140. See that car? Some alumni gave Jefferson that car… for playing football when he was a sophomore. Helped him pick it out. We go way back, you know. Hey, Charles, how you doin’, buddy? Car looks great. I mean really terrific. You’re really keeping it up wonderfully.
CHARLES: Don’t fuck with it!
Shit! That’s my man.
…Mike Damone Quotes

CHARLES: When are those Earth, Wind and Fire tickets comin’ in?
MIKE DAMONE: Earth, Wind and Fire? Geez, I haven’t heard anything. The minute I do, I’ll let you know.
CHARLES: I’m planning’ on taking my little brother over here.
MIKE DAMONE: Is that your little brother? He’s a good-lookin’ kid. Great. Charles Jefferson… for Earth, Wind and Fire and little brother. I’ll let you know when they come around, okay?
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: Come on, Rat. Let’s go get you a woman.
MARK: Wow.
MIKE DAMONE: You ready for your moment of truth?
MARK: Damone, I noticed I was starting to get a pimple this morning…
MIKE DAMONE: Rat, the shyness routine is really starting to aggravate me. I mean, who is she, anyway? She’s a waitress in a pizza parlor. Look at her. Look at you. A member of the Honor Roll. Assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. Rat, if this girl can’t smell your qualifications, Then who needs her, right?
MARK: Right.
MIKE DAMONE: All right. How do you feel?
MARK: I feel good.
MIKE DAMONE: Do ya? All right. Now stop fucking around and go get her. Hey, Rat, you gotta ace that jacket.
MARK: Yeah?
MIKE DAMONE: Yeah. All right, that’s cool. You look good. All right? Go get her.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MARK: What do I say to her once we get in the car?
MIKE DAMONE: No problem, Rat. What you need is my special five-point plan.
MARK: Come on, Damone, I need real help.
MIKE DAMONE: What’d you mean? Men have died… trying to obtain this valuable information. But I’ll give it to you for free.
MARK: What’s your five-point plan?
MIKE DAMONE: All right. Now, pay attention. First of all, you never let on how much you like a girl.
Oh, Debbie… hi. Two. You always call the shots. Kiss me, you won’t regret it. Three. Act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. Isn’t this great? Four. When ordering food, find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. The lady will have the linguine in a white clam sauce, and a coke with no ice. And five. Now, this is most important, Rat. When it comes down to makin’ out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MARK: Hello? Mike, it’s Mark.
MIKE DAMONE: What happened to your date?
MARK: It’s happening right now. Everything’s fine except… I left my wallet at home.
MIKE DAMONE: Why don’t you go home and get it?
MIKE: No, I can’t! I’m here. The food’s coming and everything. Look, would you do me a favor? Just borrow your mom’s car, drive to my house, get my wallet and bring it here. Hello? Mike? Mike?
MIKE DAMONE: Geez, I’m really kinda busy, Rat.
MIKE: Just do me this one favor. I swear I won’t ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other. But just please do this for me.
MIKE DAMONE: You owe me for this one.
MIKE: Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: Hey, Mark, is that you?
MARK: Yeah, hi. You come here?
MIKE DAMONE: Yeah. I come for the strudel. It’s great. Hey, listen, I found your wallet the other day. You want it back?
MARK: Oh, wow! Yeah. I was looking for this. Oh, Mike, you don’t know Stacy Hamilton. Stacy, this is Mike Damone.
MIKE DAMONE: Hi.
STACY: Hi.
MIKE DAMONE: Nice to meet you. See you later. Right. Gotta be goin’.
MARK: See you later.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: This is gonna be great, Rat. It’s like the highlight of their day.
MARK: Maybe we oughta call first. I don’t know about dropping in like this.
MIKE DAMONE: Are you kiddin’? We’re gonna surprise ’em. Just fix your collar, all right? Relax. Just be cool. Attitude, remember? Where’d you get that, the hamper?
MARK: Hey, this is clean.
MIKE DAMONE: It’s like riding a bike. You fall off, you get right back on. You mess up a date, do it again!
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: Come over to help you with your math homework. Figured you could use it on such a hot day. Don’t worry. They’re gonna let us in.
…Mike Damone Quotes

STACY: Mike? Mike? Hi.
MIKE DAMONE: Hi.
STACY: How you doing?
MIKE DAMONE: Good. How are you?
STACY: I hate walking. I have to walk every day. It’s such a drag.
MIKE DAMONE: Why don’t you get a ride with somebody?
STACY: Sometimes I ride with my brother, but he works mornings. Then he drives himself to school.
MIKE DAMONE: What a guy! Listen, Mark Ratner really likes you. Do you like him?
STACY: Mark is really nice. But I think I like you.
…Mike Damone Quotes

STACY: Well, uh… this is me.
MIKE DAMONE: Do you have any iced tea?
STACY: Yeah, sure. Come on in.
…Mike Damone Quotes

STACY: The annuals are coming out pretty soon. You gonna get one?
MIKE DAMONE: I don’t know.
STACY: Oh, come on. Aren’t you curious to see how your picture turned out?
MIKE DAMONE: I know what I look like.
STACY: I know. But it’s nice to have pictures of your friends and stuff.
MIKE DAMONE: I don’t know. Maybe. It’s no big deal. I probably will.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: Must be nice having a pool.
STACY: You want to go swimming?
MIKE DAMONE: Yeah, sure.
STACY: I’m going to go change, okay?
MIKE DAMONE: Yeah.
STACY: Okay, great.
MIKE DAMONE: This is great iced tea.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: I hope this is important because I could be blowin’ a big deal.
STACY: Mike, I just… I just want you to know that I’m pregnant.
MIKE DAMONE: How do you know it’s mine? We only did it once.
STACY: I haven’t been with anybody else. I know it’s yours.
MIKE DAMONE: Jesus! It was your idea. You wanted to do it. You wanted it more than I did.
STACY: No. Take that back.
MIKE DAMONE: All right. I take it back. Look, we gotta do somethin’ about it. I mean, uh, we gotta get an abortion. My brother Art got his girlfriend one once. It’s simple. It’s no big deal.
STACY: Yeah. I got that planned. It’s going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic.
MIKE DAMONE: Doesn’t sound free to me. I suppose you want me to pay for it.
STACY: Half, okay? And a ride to the clinic.
MIKE DAMONE: Seventy-five dollars and a ride. Okay.
STACY: Okay. Thanks.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MARK: Damone, what went on between you and Stacy?
MIKE DAMONE: Let me tell you something. Sometimes girls go haywire. It happened a month ago. I’ve been trying to think of a way to tell you ever since. We were out… messin’ around, and something happened. It’s over. It’s no big deal. I never even called her again. If you ask me, she’s a very aggressive girl. Do you understand?
MARK: No, I don’t understand.
MIKE DAMONE: She never really was your girlfriend.
MARK: Fuck you, Damone. There are a lot of girls out there, and you have to mess around with Stacy? What do you gotta prove, anyway? I’m sorry.
MARK: I always stick up for you. Whenever people say, “That Damone, he’s a loudmouth,” and they say that a lot, I always say,
“Hey, you just don’t know Damone.” When they call you an idiot, I say, “Damone’s not an idiot. You just don’t know him.”
Well, you know something, man? Maybe they do know you pretty good. Maybe I’m just finding out now.
MIKE DAMONE: Get lost. You want to do something about it, Rat? You want to do something about it? Come on. Come on, you wuss!
MARK: Okay. Let’s go, man. I’ll break your fuckin’ head off.
MIKE DAMONE: Do something, man.
…Mike Damone Quotes

MIKE DAMONE: Look, Mark. I want to apologize for everything that’s happened. I’m really sorry. A guy just doesn’t do that to a buddy.
MARK: I understand. You can’t help it. You’re just lewd, crude and obnoxious.
MIKE DAMONE: I can deal with that.
MIKE DAMONE: Are we still friends? Huh?
MARK: Okay.
MIKE DAMONE: All right.

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